A 41 year old British woman detained at JFK airport last night has been formally charged with ‘plotting to kill a future presidential rival’. The suspect, Ms Louise Mensch, was arrested after a routine luggage search revealed six hand grenades, a poisonous asp, a faded Oxford Union crested napkin with ‘US or China Pres by 2020’ faintly scrawled on one corner, and a proof copy erotic novel provisionally titled ‘What Monica Did Next: her steamy story’ in her suitcase.
Mensch denied any knowledge of an assassination attempt, claiming she is ‘Member of Parliament for Corby, England’, a writer of chick lit in her spare time, and the unwitting transatlantic courier of snakes and weapons thanks to a ‘Metallica-managing husband who liked nothing better than a practical joke’. ‘That’s the most ridiculous story I’ve heard since this muslim guy in room four reckoned he’d been to Iraq “on pilgrimage”’ said Lieutenant McClichey. ‘This dame is going down, once we’ve finished her filthy, filthy book. Jeez, if it’s true, Bill was one luck SOB’.
‘Louise has always been ambitious, but she wouldn’t kill anyone to get to the top, not even me!’ said current boss, Prime Minister David Cameron. ‘I mean, we always joked about the Chinese presidency thing, in fact, I bet her £50 she couldn’t learn to impersonate a communist. But when she told me she was resigning to spend more time with her republican family, I didn’t immediately think ‘RIP Hilary Clinton’.
The UK Ambassador to Washington has been informed of Mensch’s arrest, and offered her consular assistance. ‘She’s the girl whose resignation has triggered a by-election the Tories are bound to lose, isn’t she?’ said Sir Peter Westmacott. ‘And the one who made it tough for Murdoch over phone hacking? And who told MI6 to sod off at college, and is getting above her station in social networking circles? Not to worry – I’m sure she’ll be out in no time...’