After poor ticket sales for the women’s beach volleyball, Olympic Games officials have given the green light for a new event to draw in the crowds.
Naked Twister will feature a large playing area with the familiar coloured circles and spinner. There will be teams of 4 girls competing at the same time and the resulting spectacle will resemble a Bacchanalian lesbian orgy or an anatomical athletic tableau, depending on your point of view.
Officials have blamed the internet for the lack of interest in the bikini-clad athletes. Simon Drinkel, from the Olympic Design Committee told reporters, ‘Any savvy six year old boy knows how to access his father’s browsing history or upload his penis onto Youtube. This is the twenty-first century and we need to update all this old Greek stuff or at least stay true to the Olympic ideal and have all the athletes naked. Not the shot-putters, obviously.’
London Mayor Boris Johnson concurred, saying, ‘Look, the Olympics is a celebration of the human body and its strength and beauty. Nobody wants to see the sort of tattooed rhino women we see everyday in Britain despoiling these great games. Let’s not be ashamed to sip at the altar of toned and honed female beauty. I, for one, will be in the front row for this new prestige event.’
Lord Coe also expressed enthusiasm for the idea, ‘Steve Ovett and I always used to play naked twister back at our Olympic Village digs. It’s muscular and athletic and don’t let anybody tell you it’s not competitive. Steve used to get very excited when playing, in fact, he once poked me in the eye to achieve a winning position.