In an attempt to boost their flagging revenue: Royal Mail have teamed up with a number of London's more progressive drug gangs, anxious to break free from their seedy 'crack house' image, by commissioning a nationwide network of gold coloured post boxes
A press release promoting the new "bling boxes" claims that the new service will improve addicts' experiences by allowing them to pop their dole cheques, debit cards, bank details or cash directly into one of the specially designed 'tick box' envelopes (available at all participating post offices) and drop it straight into one of new gold coloured post boxes, located in various locations throughout the United Kingdom, from which your order will be collected and taken directly to a participating drug gang, bypassing the uncertain intentions of agency staff at Mount Pleasant Sorting Office. Your Dealer can then deliver your requested Hash, Crack or Smack directly to you through his dedicated and expanding network of couriers. One early adopter of the new service, who identified himself only as 'Jim' told us that he'd sent off his money last week but hadn't yet received his fix. "I'm really getting strung out waiting" He said, before pulling a knife and demanding I hand over my wallet "or else.."
In another Royal Mail related story: Police are investigating an sudden increase in violent robberies carried out against postal delivery personnel in and around Tower Hamlets.