Britain’s Olympians have been urged to make more of their astonishing success, and take the opportunity to ‘really rub it in’ to the French.
Just days after French President Francois Hollande visited London to shrug at Cameron and be rude about London, Team GB have soared above ‘the old enemy’ on the medals table, now comfortably separated by a country that eats dogs. But instead of taking their moment to mock Gallic shortcomings, some athletes have displayed sickening levels of magnanimity and grace.
“As a sports scientist, these results are a vindication of our craft”, claimed Dr Hugo Stephens. “We’ve proved beyond doubt that we’re better than those bastards. It’s something we’ve theorised about for quite some time now, but at last, we have empirical evidence.”
David Cameron will unveil a statue of Stephens shortly after the games, a lasting symbol of dedication, patriotism and fun casual racism. With two bronze fingers held aloft in the time-honoured ‘V’, Stephens will act as a permanent insult in the rough direction of Agincourt.
With five days of competition left in NotParis 2012, Boris Johnson has called for his athletes to show ‘a little less respect’. “After so many gold medals, it’s astonishing that none of our winners has caused an international incident. Have we taught them nothing? Where’s their sense of nationalism, their innate disgust at the very slightly less successful frogs?”, bellowed Johnson. “Our proud nation didn’t spend billions just to hear you politely thanking your family. Don’t kiss the medal, invite the French to kiss your arse.”
The nation has given a ringing endorsement to Johnson’s stance on mocking France; sales of the Tricolore flag with a cross through it are selling like hot brioche. “For all our future medal wins, we’ll show a picture of Hollande looking sad on the big screen. The winner can give him the bird, present a moon or blow a simple raspberry”, revealed Johnson. "We shouldn't mistake a medal as an individual's reward for years of dedication. It's just a number on a table, that proves how much better than the French we are."