The Olympic village has today been alive with rumours that Lord Coe has gone missing. The LOCOG leader has not been seen in public all day and officials have been baffled as to his whereabouts.
In the past few minutes at a press conference a spokeswomen has confirmed that Lord Coe is safe and well but has taken a well deserved camping holiday on the Isle of Rockall somewhere in the middle of nowhere. The Royal Navy were reported to have provided a helicopter to take him there.
In a further announcement several key LOCOG board members have also left the country in an RAF Hercules bound and gagged.
She sought to quell speculation that the whole Olympics was falling apart by announcing that once again the Armed Forces had stepped up to the mark. With immediate effect Major General Churchill-Montgomery is assuming command of LOCOG. Other trusted lieutenants have been appointed to the board to shore up the organisation in these troubled times.
In a further announcement Major General Churchill-Montgomery assured the watching media that he fully intended to organise democratic elections to the board as soon as the immediate crisis was over, perhaps in late September.
He thanked the hard work of the forces that had been invited to infiltrated into the Olympic network for their hard work and dedication to the cause, promising a brave new dawn for British sport.
Captain Nelson-Hardy, the newly appointed director of sports in a separate announcement outlined a couple of new events that were to take place.
The long-range shooting would take place on Thursday and the British team based in Tower Hamlets was confident of Gold. Greenwich Park equestrian events would now include teams of horses pulling a full gun carriage round the park, the Royal Artillery were favourite for Gold in that event. Finally in the main arena an old favourite of transporting a complete gun around an obstacle course before assembling it would be the main event. Britain was favourite to take all three medals but it was too early to say which Service would win Gold.