Psychiatrists up and down Britain are rolling their eyes in disbelief after a married couple from Swindon, Peter and Sophie Davison, sought guidance because of a sudden crisis in their 11-year marriage. Many have been staggered to learn that the pair expect not to be locked into a downward spiral of mutual loathing after spending such an unnatural length of time together.
‘I can’t quite put my finger on why, but things haven’t been going well between us for some time,’ said the manifestly mad Peter Davison, who nonetheless holds down a job as a senior executive at a software firm. ‘It’s somehow just not like it used to be when we first got together,’ he added, to bitter snorts of derision from everyone.
The couple first met at the University of Lancaster in 2004, carried on seeing each other after graduation and married in 2008 because they had no compelling reason to break up. For some unfathomable reason, neither has yet grasped that men and women are incompatible and only meant to tolerate each other for long enough to procreate, which, mercifully, they have not yet done.
‘I sometimes feel Paul takes me for granted,’ complained Sophie, who has failed to draw any obvious lessons from her preferences for spa weekends and shopping and his for golf and computer games. ‘We scarcely make love once a month,’ she added, blissfully unaware that that’s mainly because he doesn’t want to get caught screaming out her sister’s name (Julia).
Leading marital therapist Dr Julian Bates added that he is seeing an increasing number of couples pissing their hard-earned up a tree by coming to him in a vain attempt to defy nature. ‘Because of our ludicrously elevated expectations, we refuse to live lives of barely repressed resentment like our parents,’ he said. ‘Then again, I’ve got two gold-digging ex-wives to pay for, so by all means bring ‘em on.’