[b]its me,Charlie...better known as Charles phycho Hawtrey,Britians longest serving prisoner....and most dangerous.Im so fuckin dangerous Im in a cage within a cage inside four walls,48 years Ive been inside......48years all alone in this poxey cage,cos Im so uncontrolbly fuckin dangerous.In the early days they tried putting other jailbirds in with me....thought it would calm me down,no way NO FUCKIN WAY.....I killed em..tried eatin one.....since then I ve been all alone.....havnt seen the sky for nearly half a century.Me cage is emtey except for me swing,I had a mirror on a long dangley chain......smashed the fucker to bits,they got me another ...smashed that to,and the next and the next.They got me one of those ponsey squeeky toys that you head butt and it always bounces back up again......mine didnt...ha ha haaaar not after I bit its fuckin head off the mug.Ive had people going "a chooche chooche choo a chooche chooche coo whos a pretty boy then"then sticking their muggy little fingers through the bars at me......they only do it once,the muppets.Nobody knows what to do with me.....Ive become a liability an embarresment to them,theyve spent thousands keeping me here copped up like Im some kind of animal,in a cage within a cage.When they first put me inside it was low security..back in the 60s.Id do anything to disrupt their routine....scream shout and swear while they tried to watch tv.Or Id go all quiet lie on the floor with me legs sticking up in the air playing dead,till some mug reached in to me....then Id ave em.Ive had dirty protests Ive shit all over me sandpaper....even in me water bowl,and every day the same old muppet would clean it all up,while I throw seeds at him and grapes.....the mug.Nobody can touch me their to scared.....not unless they have thick gloves the cowardly scum.Ive broke out me cage more times than youve had hot dinners,been on more roof top protest than any jailbird in history.I once managed to stay on top of a book shelf for 3 hours undetected......hidden between William Sheakspeare and a theosaurus till they found me,then I wouldnt give up,I through books at em swore kicked and bit,till they brought in a bath towel and flung that over me....and that put an end to that little capper.They held me down after that and clipped me wings,but that didnt stop me getting out and doing Glitter the goldfish.I hate tadpole fiddlers.........I hate tadpole fiddlers more than I hate cats.I krept up to his little round bowl....he saw me?shitting his trunks he was....I knew he couldnt shout for help not underwater hed drown.I sat on the rim got a spoon and started stirring him round and around,for hours I stirred him..........till he went stir crazy........................round and around he wen...........
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