After years of bowler hats, cricket whites, and faux British Airways cabin crew wear Team GB athletes will be sporting outfits that better reflect modern Britain.
At a press conference yestrerday Lord Coe presented the men’s and women’s outfits which will be sported as the team carries the flag around the stadium at the opening ceremony. He said ‘we looked at what real people were wearing and got in top designers from Millets and New look. No-one wears a bowler hat to work and only politicians wear ties these days’.
The men’s outfit, features a football shirt, ¾ length trousers and a hi-viz jacket. Athletes can choose between flip flops or steel toe-capped safety boots. Grenville Poshe-Pratt of style magazine GQ gushed ‘It’s very now, very 2012, very zeitgeist. Hi-viz is the new black’.
Team GB’s women will have a cute pink velour hooded Playboy tracksuit, with the bottoms cut to show off the top of the arse and the obligatory swirly tattoo. There were initial concerns that the 5 inch stiletto heals would damage the running track but designer Shanice Brown commented by saying ‘Well they ain’t going out wivout heals innit, you mental or summink’, leaving organisers to hastily arrange some temporary wood flooring.
Official Team GB sponsor Elizabeth Duke will be providing special gold medal sovereign rings for the men and 5 large hoop earrings for each of the women’s ears. Lovers of statistics will note that enough fake tan to fill an Olympic swimming pool (fittingly) has been used to give Team GB that natural British orange glow with the odd brown splodge.
After much debate over who would actually light the eternal flame to start the games a public phone vote was won by Jordan aka Katie Price. Opening ceremony organiser Danny Boyle said ‘who better to represent modern inclusive Great Britain than a former Page 3 girl, reality TV star, prospective Parliamentary candidate, Eurovision entrant, agony aunt, author, newspaper columnist, perfume & lingerie magnate and all round famous person. Who needs sports people when you can have celebrity royalty like this.
In a surprise development it was reported this evening that a tired and emotional Lord Coe was overheard in a bar near his office by undercover journalists. He was heard to rant ‘Fucking typical give the public what they want they said. So you get that slapper Jordan lighting the pissing flame for all the world to see. For Christ sake 100,000 people voted for Jade Goodie to light it. I tell you I’m emigrating after this fucking fiasco’. No one from LOCOG was available to talk to Newsbiscuit.