A Basingstoke plumber has submitted a formal complaint to the Association of Plumbing and Heating Contractors (APHC) after a recent visit to a lonely housewife ended abruptly when she only offered him 'tea or coffee' instead of the usual 'full sex whilst my husband is at work'.
Clive Retson, a licensed member of APHC for over sixteen years, said he was 'shocked and outraged' at his client's improper suggestion. 'It was supposed to be a routine visit to give her a servicing,' he fumed, 'but then, less than five minutes after arriving, she offered me steamy, hot drinks. After I declined with a cheeky wink and some lewd innuendo, I thought it was game-on when she said she might have something else for me to enjoy -- but then she suggested that I might like 'a cold glass of squash'. How bad is that! I was absolutely tamping at my wasted time and left straight away.'
Mrs Claire Watson, 42, from Ellisfield, has responded with surprise at the accusations. 'I just wanted a man to sort out my under-used plumbing,' she said. 'I wasn't expecting anything special -- just a quick once-over -- and I thought it might be nice to start out gently instead of diving straight in with the usual blow-job. He seemed really impatient and rushed off in quite a huff. When I received the official complaint paperwork from the APHC, I was gob-smacked. My husband is a solicitor and tells me that, as my phone call requesting 'a plumber to give me a service' constitutes a verbal contract, the association has a good case if I can't prove that I was genuinely going to shag him.'
The APHC has issued a statement on behalf of Mr Retson, saying that they are 'actively pursuing' a breach of contract against Mrs Watson, but that the case will be dropped if she agrees to become 'the association bike' for a period of six months. Mrs Watson says she is unsure whether to fight the case or settle out of court. 'I'm really in two minds, but my husband seems quite keen to settle,' she said. 'They would certainly have to provide some no-minger assurances before I would consider it.'
Mr Watson has said that he believes his wife ought to agree an out-of-court arrangement with the APHC. 'After three kids and fourteen years of marriage, some late night sessions at my local brothel have done wonders for me,' he said. 'Maybe some regular sex will get the miserable cow to cheer the fuck up.'