Organisers who promised an Olympic flame ‘wow’ moment have decided to deliver a ‘phwoar’ moment as well, as leaked documents show the honour of lighting the Olympic Cauldron will go to Pippa Middleton’s ass.
No other single object is held in such awe and high esteem amongst Britons and so Pippa’s rear, adorned in a special Union Jack thong, will do the honours this Friday night.
Pippa’s butt won an enduring place in the nation’s hearts at last year’s Royal Wedding by being quite pert and shapely and since then has topped all ‘Greatest Briton Ever’ polls, easily beating Winston Churchill, Lord Nelson and others.
Already confirmed for the fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square, Pippa’s Ass will be a popular choice for the honour, although it’s understood there was a strong push in some circles for Kelly Brook’s boobs to get the nod.
Polls show the Middleton Rear is seen by Britons as ‘trustworthy’, ‘reliable’, ‘hard-working’ and ‘bloody hot’ and has earned the nation’s respect by heading up over 1500 charities, opening countless schools and hospitals and being a UNICEF goodwill ambassador.
Owner and bearer of the butt, Ms Pippa Middleton, has said in the past that although proud to be butty-licious for Britain she sometimes feels the heavy burden of its great power and influence.
‘Sometimes I wish I just had an ordinary ass like other girls but I’ve been blessed with a butt of immense sexiness and I feel I have to use its power for good’ said Pippa. ‘If my bending-over in a tight-fitting dress can save just one child from a life of crime, or boost British GDP by a few percent than I’m prepared to bend-over for Britain as much as I can.’