American president Barack Obama briefly flew to Colorado today to make a speech addressing the tragic massacre of 12 cinema goers who had attended a premiere screening of the new Batman films.
Full transcript follows.
"-during Green Lantern I almost started to wish someone would- oh this is on right? Hello Colorado. We are here to address a very sad, tragic state of affairs. In these great United States, on July 20th, in the fair state of Colorado, an armed man entered a cinema and shot dead 12 American citizens.
Which is the worst. It really is, just the worst. Terrible. But the thing is people, I'm the president. I got all kinds of things going on. It really is kind of unreasonable for you to ask me to drop everything and fly in every time something sad happens. Let's look at the big picture. More than six thousand Americans die every day. I'm starting to get the impression you're making a big deal out of this because it was a movie. We could've had 36 people shot dead in a street party gone wrong in Mexico and none of you would give a shit. Oh you gettin' mad? You gettin' mad? That's because it's true. Deal with it bitch.
But I come here to heal. Quickly though, we're doing some speed healing, I really got shit to do. Did you hear the news about the situation in Syria? Whole lot of big cheeses got wiped out by a bomb in a chocolate box. In a chocolate box. Ain't that somethin'. Whether you're going to the movies or eating a box of chocolates, BAM. Just goes to show we're really all the same all over this crazy world. And a few thousand Syrians have been killed by now and I didn't see any of you doing any candlelit vigils over that. You only mourn people that you feel resemble you. You make me sick with your vain, solipsistic, narcissim. You represent the final fall of humanity, the death of the ideal of brotherhood as we fall irrevocably into a stew of self-interest and grief over an entertainment event being spoiled. Obama in November!"