Faced with the National Rifle Association’s (NRA) compelling argument that “guns don’t kill people, people do”, President Obama has decided to ban people from the United States.
“It has been far too easy to obtain people in America” said Obama. “While we have tried to limit people through immigration policies, people nakedly get round this by simply breeding. With this unchecked proliferation of people, guns have no trouble finding a person to fire them. Shockingly, in isolated areas people even outnumber guns.”
Under Obama’s people control plan, all Americans will be relocated to Canada, and all guns will remain in the United States. “Without people to fire the guns, and without people to fire guns at, shootings will completely disappear” noted Obama.
While America will generally be a people-free gun reserve, guns will be able to have occasional visitors if they obtain a concealed person permit and undertake a training course in safely handling humans. The training course will cover topics such as “the loner who still lives with their mum” and “hip hop stars – real anger or just an act?”
NRA members are pleased that their tireless advocacy has headed off the evil of gun control. “Being forced to move to Canada is close to cruel and unusual punishment but it’s worth it to know my 183 guns are still protected under the US Constitution” said NRA member Jed Hicks. "But I will miss my guns - simple pleasures such as 'road rage' will now be just hot air and empty words."
Canadian reaction to the plan has been generally positive on account of the expected boost to the economy. But the NRA argument “if someone did a mass killing with a baseball bat, it would be illogical to ban baseball bats” has caused widespread alarm in the harp seal community.