There is growing concern in government circles that large numbers of ostensibly sane BRitish adults are devoting too much time to reading and even discussing 50 Shades of Grey, an inexplicably popular update of Jane Austen that features nipple clamps.
'While we welcome the sudden discovery by large number of people that they can buy and even look at A5-size pieces of printed text, popularly known as 'books', this has gone too far, said Grant Fox MP, Minister of State for Health. 'In so far as the thought that a handsome kinky billionaire is just waiting around the corner to make butterflies flood their belly is distracting women from getting on with their work, it could actually derail the recovery.'
However, quivering moist messses up and down the land are indignant. 'My inner goddess did a mergengue with some salsa moves when I heard what he said,' said Wendy Shapland, a 42-year-old waste of carbon from Surrey. 'How dare some jumped-up junior minister, who probably doesn't even have his own Red Room of Pain tell me what I can and can't have?'
Some balding middle-aged men have also reacted angrily to the idea that a blonde virgin who doesn't know how attractive she really is may not be about to pop round to their tool shed later this evening with a riding crop and their insides practically contorted with needy, liquid desire. However, the official advice stands.
'Anticipation has been hanging over people like a dark tropical storm cloud for too long,' said Fox. 'Now look at me,' he added, as the electrorate stared straight up into his smouldering grey gaze, 'it's only a stupid work of fiction and I am NOT your own Grant Fox-flavoured popsicle. Now grow up you silly girls, or I'll put you over my knee and .. oh shit...'.
[I keep starting this but can't seem to finish it and the start seems a bit weak too. Bit like the novel, I imagine. Any suggestions?