With the Conservative Lib Dem Coalition approaching its half way mark, lots of people are still pondering what it's all about. They ask questions like 'What does Cameron stand for?', 'Who is James Brokenshire?', 'Who deputises for the Deputy Prime Minister?' and 'What is Eric Pickles' daily calorie intake?'. This handy guide aims to provide some pointers on just about everything you ever wanted to know about the two headed beast known as 'The Coalition'.
The Coalition was formed on 5 May 2010 as a tribute act to The Monster Raving Loony Party, itself a divisionn off an offshoot of a clique of a schism of a splinter of faction of a coterie of a caucus of a cabal of a cell of an expression of an idea taken from the extreme fringe of the early full frontol lobotomy movement, originating in Stoke on Trent.
Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg likes nothing better than to 'black up' and sing Negro blues numbers in Sheffield's cosmopolitan clubs.
David Cameron once bought a pasty from a stall in Leeds that has never existed.
The Coalition is formed by a series of interlocking, self tensioning Latin paragraphs contained in a secret document housed in the vaults of the Vatican. Acolyte meetings take place every full moon, apart from when it falls on a Bank Holiday.
Confusingly, Mr Cameron lives in No.11 Downing Street and Mr Osborne lives in No. 10. This is in case of an assasination attempt. Based on intelligence advice, Osborne is considered more expendable. Cameron is protected by an invisibity shield made from his favourite moisturiser.
Vince Cable loves reruns of The Professionals and likes to think of himself as the Cowley figure to Cameron and Clegg's Bodie and Doyle.
Every Cabinet meeting starts with the statement 'Theresa May....' and the last person to shout out the answer has to prepare responses to questions Cameron may be asked at the despatch box.
David Laws ostensibly quit because he didn't want to come out as a gay. In fact, his real shame was being exposed as a Lib Dem Minister.
Cameron is considered a good judge of character. For example his close friends are Rupert Murdoch, Rebecca Brooks, Andy Coulson and Jeremy Hunt.
Nick Clegg loves state schools so much he sends his children to public schools. David Cameron loves state schools so much that he went to Eton and sends his children to public schools.
Michael Gove was caught fiddling his expenses over some fancy lamps. He coined the term free schools so that he can help himself to as much stuff from them as possible.
Mr Cameron coined the phrase 'We are all in it together'. He first used it at his grace and favour residence, Chequers.
James Brokenshire is a person, not a parliamentary consituency.
So, there you are then, a handy guide to the most important movement of our times - The Coalition.