Olympic organisers strongly denied yesterday that their newest track event, in which runners pursue a speeding wire-pulled hamburger before wrestling rivals to the death for a bite of it, was in any way influenced by their choice of corporate sponsor.
'Our feedback from Beijing suggested an edible performance incentive might enhance some track events'' said a spokesman. ' We could have used any bait to get competitors' juices up, but the Big Mac, with its all-beef patties, special sauce, special cheese, pickled gherkins in a sesame seed bun, seemed ideal. Besides, it's the only food substance allowed inside the stadium'.
Other signs of corporate coercion were dismissed as coincidence . 'Sure, the medal is a gold M, but we couldn't afford the original "Mmmmm yum!" design' continued the spokesman . 'And thanks to a shortage of starter pistols, a clown has agreed to step in at the last minute and start the race by shouting "Look out, the Hamburglar's behind you! "
Other new events for London include the Credit Card Clay Pigeon shooting , emphatically not sponsored by anyone, in which American Express cards confiscated from spectators are catapulted into the air and shot to pieces by "Visa guns" - and the possibility of "synchronised cola swimming".
'Yes, we were looking to fill the pool with coke,' said the spokesman, ' but the idea was abandoned during trials. No-one could see the girls' legs through the delicious caramel flavouring, and with all those bubbles around it was impossible to deduct points for farting infringements.'