Soldiers serving in the militarised East London Province will be awarded medals on completion of their Olympics tour of duty, the Defence Secretary announced today.
The move virtually guarantees Britain will top the medals table, even before the Games have started.
Britain's is the only army to have qualified, suggesting the conflict will be a rather one-sided affair. But Sapper G. Peters, whose mission will be to ensure no unofficial snacks make it past his checkpoint, believes every soldier's medal will be thoroughly deserved.
"We can't rely on sniffer dogs to locate all the unlicensed chocolate and drinks we expect to find concealed on 12-year-olds. We'll just have to go in there with a steady hand and a prayer. I have no doubt, some of us won't be coming back."