[bIt has just been anounced that Lord suger has been arrested on suspicion of sexualy assaulting bags of potatoes in Convent garden market in the 1960s,after confessing on the first episode of Junior Apprentice to shocked teenagers,"when I was your age I was humping potatoes.....Id do anything"Police also now believe he could be the masked pervert who starred in the banned low budget 60s potatoe fetish porn films "Potatoe suger daddy","Spud lover"and"Confessions of a super spud"All depicting sado masochism such as potatoe whipping,peeling,deep fat frying,and the sickist of all the gouging out of eyes.Charlie Smith a barrow boy in sixties London and who remembers Lord Suger,had this to say,"It doesnt suprise me in the least,he was always humping stuff in the market,carrots, cabbages,you name it hed hump it,I did notice his faverite was nice young new potatoes,and the odd baby carrot.He was a strange chap,never had time to come down the pub after work,said he was to busy stealing car arials,if he couldnt steal em,hed snap em,then turn up at the car owners door the next day as if by chance with a suitcase full of arials for sale.Police have also seized Lord Sugers computers,and are digging up his garden in relation to several unsolved potatoe ubductions in the late 60s early 70s,by the infamous bearded spud man,who has never been caught.Detective Maris Piper whos in charge of the case would only say this,"Look I can only say its routine,everyone remembers the bearded spud man that abducted potatoes armed with a potatoe peeler in London,hed bundle them into the back of his mini van and that was the last anyone would see of them,its early days yet....Im sorry I cant say no more.
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