G4S group confirmed today it had taken on an extra 3,500 personnel to safeguard Olympic sites, but could not deploy them due to dress code interpretation difficulties. Recruits are struggling to allow venue admission "if - and I cannot stress this enough - even if punters are wearing trainers".
'It's hard to get your head round these new rules' said cadet Darren Bull, a freelance External Aperture Nocturnal Ingress Consultant from Sutton, Surrey. 'In bouncer school we had a motto - "should the trainered foot pass you'll have a pain in the arse" - and its proved right all these years. How do they expect me to unlearn all that, just to deal with some foreign bloke claiming he's got to run around inside or something? He might be pulling a fast one.'
Around 10% of recruits have so far got over the issue of casual shoes, and are now progressing to level two of the course: "vests and shorts are ok as well". As yet, and with just two weeks to go, no would-be guards have moved on to the third and hardest level - "groups of men are ok - the Canadian coxless 4 boat team does not need to come back when it's found four girls"
'Yes it's bad. The army nightclub brigade has to make up the numbers'' said an Olympic spokesman. 'But lets look at our successes as well . I'm pleased to announce a new sport this year - the 400m road re-lay race. The final is tomorrow on the M4 arena, and we think the Poles will get gold. '