Olympic organisers are seeking people under sixty with good eyesight and excellent people skills to deploy and fire hi tech ballistic missiles during the Olympics. Successful applicants will be given a minimum of a hour's training. The positions will be unpaid, but will count for part of the Workforce scheme which encourages the long term unemployed to have charge of high tech weapons of mass destruction.
"Unfortunately, the real soldiering jobs - tearing up forged tickets for the 500 metres and selling 18 oz containers of official fizzy drinks - have to go to the professionals," said Brigadier Hugh Bonneville, in charge of Theresa May during the Games period.
"This leaves the deployment, manning and discharging of MIM-104 Patriot surface-to-air missiles to school leavers and people who have recently lost jobs at B and Q. But basically, these systems are so sophisticated they can operate themselves, and take out any enemy asset automatically. We did discuss offering crash courses in helicopter gunship skills on an internship basis, but there were few takers, apart from Poles and Roumanians. Let's face it, nowadays, our people don't want these low skill jobs. Between you and me we're in talks with the Afghan Police service to look after football security next year. You've got to shop around."