In a surprise U-turn this morning, the government have publicly abandoned plans for an elected house of Lords, instead taking the tough decision to replace all life peers with a crate load of wanking monkeys.
'I'll be the first to admit that we made a mistake' lamented Nick Clegg. 'We don't really want a democratic House of Lords. The British public are stupid. They'd vote in someone who's popular now like Rick Waller or Ben Fogle and regret it 15 years later. On the other hand everyone wants to see a wanking monkey. It's timeless.' He added.
In a rare show of coalition solidarity Iain Duncan Smith was full of praise for the motion. 'We'll actually dress the monkeys up as Lords to keep up with tradition so it'll seem like a cross between the PG tips advert and planet of the wanking apes. Putting Viagra in their tea ought to keep them going.'
The motion appears to have cross party support, but not without a hint of bitterness from Labour who recently campaigned to have the Financial Services Authority replaced by a crate load of wanking monkeys. 'It'll be a positive move forward for politics in Britain. We have long campaigned towards a more open succinct form of politics' Ed Balls told us. 'Assisted by a gaggle of masturbating chimps approaching their vinegar strokes.' He added.
It is thought that Kate Humble from BBC2's 'Wanking Monkey Watch' will be assisting the transition.