Albert Pottage of Selby, Yorkshire , was left devastated last Thursday when he discovered he had missed being able to sit at home refusing to cheer and wave at the Olympic Torch procession as it passed less than a quarter of a mile from his front door.
“I was devastated.” Said Mr Pottage. “I were reading our local free paper, The Selby Date, and after looking at the house prices and reading about people’s cycling holidays in support of the local cats’ hospice I turned to the front page and there it were: the whole kit and caboodle had gone past at 10.35 last Monday morning and I’d forgotten all about it. I’d been looking forward for ages to sitting at home, while it were on, and thinking what a total bloody waste of time and money it all were. I’m 84, you know, and I’ll never get the chance to purposely miss something like that, so close to the house, ever again.
But what a kerfuffle about nothing isn’t it? Who wants to see a giant ice cream cone with a daft bit of flame on the top any road? I’ve seen lots of flames in my lifetime. I remember the Selby Blitz, when I were a nipper. A Dornier flew over and dropped an incendiary on the Co-op funeral parlour. Burnt Mr Fenby to a crisp, it did. It were lucky he were already dead. Mrs Fenby did her back in carrying his ashes home. Well, that milk churn did look heavy. They say she was given half of what was left of the shop along with her husband as they couldn’t tell which were which.
We used to have a proper fire back in them days to heat the house. None of this poncy central heating thermonuclear controls stuff. Mind you, we couldn’t afford the coal for it half the time. We had to borrow next door’s furniture to burn when it got cold. But you could trust people in them days. Trust them to nick your furniture whenever their back was turned that is.
I used to have bonfires in the garden all the time. Can’t do that now or someone from the Council will be round. Every little weed and leaf has to be put in a special bin for them to take away for recycling. I’ve no idea what that means. I think they give it mouth to mouth to bring it back to life or some’at.
Sorry, am I going on a bit? I get a bit lonely here on my own since I lost my Mavis last year. She ran off with a 25 year old dumb Turkish waiter when we were having a couple of weeks in Marmaris. Nice place Marmaris, have you been? Do you want a cup of tea? Have I mentioned I’m 84?”