In a stunning development, archaeologists have found Jesus’ personal file from his job as an evangelical carpentry tutor with the Jerusalem Nailers. Initial indications are that Jesus’ “Mr Perfect” image could take a battering.
Professor Jason Hurd said that early performance appraisals show a cocky Jesus nicknamed “the Son of God” by his fellow workmates. But Jesus’s status as a master craftsman was never in dispute with appraisal after appraisal describing his ability to plane in a straight line without a ruler as “uncanny”. And his morning tea shouts were legendary.
“It was towards the end of his employment that things really unravelled” said Professor Hurd. “The file contained a bereavement leave form where under ‘name of the bereaved’, Jesus wrote ‘self’ and under ‘estimated time of leave’, wrote ‘3 days’”.
An HR note records that although not technically illegal, the bereavement leave claim was sharp practice. And while on bereavement leave, Jesus broke one of the firm’s commandments by stealing company property – viz a quantity of nails - and was caught red-handed.
Professor Hurd observed that things seemed to quickly escalate with Jesus arguing that the Monday after his 3 day bereavement leave was a public holiday. An agreed resolution was reached whereby Jesus took some unpaid leave and promised to return “later”.
“It seems that Jesus never did return and the last documents on file were letters from his lawyer over the terms of his testimonial” said Professor Hurd. "An advice note from the Nailer’s lawyer stated 'just agree to all his ridiculous demands – even the "walking on water" reference – the testimonial is so over the top no one will ever take it seriously.'”
“There must have been several versions as the final draft was titled ‘the New Testimonial’ and was a hefty 403 pages long” noted Professor Hurd.