M15 director general Jonathan Evans concedes that a recently uncovered Al Qaeda plot to disrupt the Olympics may be “unstoppable”. The plot is aimed at causing a number of serious problems, including bottlenecks at the Heathrow arrivals desk, public transport delays, and the disruption of all Olympic outdoor events with 17 days of continuous rain.
“We may have underestimated Al Qaeda again – we thought it would be just the usual suicide bombings and planes aimed at the Olympic stadium” said Evans. “I’m not sure how useful the Leytonstone missiles will be at clearing a stalled train on the Circle line. And searching millions of spectators for concealed cumulonimbus clouds will be impracticable.”
The plot was uncovered after Al Qaeda conducted a “dry run” of the rain attack at the Wimbledon Final. A Pakistani man was observed celebrating a rain delay and then shouted “give us a song Cliff”. Fortunately, this cruel attack on the crowd was thwarted by closing the Centre Court roof and the man was taken in for questioning.
After mild torture, the captured Al Qaeda operative said that the plan to delay the Heathrow arrivals queue involved flying uneducated Afghans into London with prefilled arrivals cards stating “occupation – semtex sculptor” and “next destination – heaven”. Such active steps proved unnecessary as the Afghanis were just waved through, but the massive delays continued as border staff interrogated women about the fashion crimes in their passport photos.
Evans said that while the public will just have to grin and bear the Al Qaeda campaign of disruption, M15 have finally found a solution to the threat of extreme boredom posed by the insidious Olympic torch relay: “Just stay inside – don’t be tempted by the free can of Coke or the silly caps. Listen to your radio, and when the all-clear is given, resume your daily business while avoiding infected persons. Oh, and remember to bring a brolly.”