The most significant development in the history of feeding the world was announced today.
Using recently-discovered secret Nazi technology, itself gleaned from an alien flying saucer which crashed into Hitler’s bunker during World War 2, scientists are now able to clone literally anything on a mass-production basis in seconds. The new machines are said to be much more advanced than old-fashioned Dolly The Sheep-style genetic cloning.
Project leader Dr Reinhard Mandela-Mengele said: “Our first priority is to feed the world with a plentiful supply of good food and research shows the most nutritious thing on the planet is Jamie Oliver.”
In an incredible move, and with his full agreement, plans are afoot to clone Jamie Oliver and turn him into pies, using his skin as the crust. For security reasons, the new devices have been programmed so only Jamie can be cloned at present.
A beaming Jamie is said to be “over the moon” and thinks the idea is “well good”: “This pie idea is pukka” he said in his charming mockney accent “at last we can feed all fat Americans some decent grub, nice one.”
Feeding greedy flabby Yanks is only the beginning; new units are being developed for the African market, solar-powered and with wind-up handles. With an endless supply of Jamie Oliver clone pies on tap it is predicted Africa’s population will overtake China’s within 10 years – good news for the UK’s car and arms industries.
Enigmatic art collector Charles Saatchi gushed: “I’ve already ordered one of those pies for £10 million, it will look superb in my gallery – much better than that can of Manzoni artist’s s**t loser Serota bought.”
Gordon Ramsay said: “Look, I’m not your f*****g mate, so f**k off! Yeah? Who gives a s**t about this f*****g stupid made up story, you c**t!”