In an attempt to counter criticism that Andy Murray hides his emotions, Britain’s tennis no.1 has been fitted with a large, shaggy tail, operated remotely by his brain.
Leading veterinary neurosurgeons have joined forces with an arse doctor, to adapt the buttocks of Murray using a spare tail they found in a bin. Dusted off, sharpened and wedged into Murray’s spinal nub surgically, the new Murray has caught the eye of several of the country’s top WAGs.
Notoriously guarded when speaking to journalists, Murray can now express himself subconsciously without having to resort to his face, or tear glands. The medical breakthrough is already reaping rewards, revealing a softer side to a tennis star that many were keen to put down.
Not everyone is a fan of the more dogged Murray, his mother in particular disapproves of how it might make her look. But despite being whacked repeatedly on the nose with a copy of the Scotsman, Andy Murray insisted that having a tail didn’t imply that his mum was a bitch.