Britain’s washout summer is threatening to derail August’s scheduled week of looting and burning. Months of unseasonal rain has seeped through the hard crust of bitterness and rage in London and begun to simmer down thousands of violent tinderbox tempers.
Furniture stores and becoming less and less combustible and it’s feared even Molotov cocktails will fail to take alight.
City officials say last year’s riots pushed London onto front pages all over the world and fear this year’s planned event may have to be cancelled. ‘It’s Diamond Jubilee Year so we were hoping for a display of chaos and anarchy that would do Her Majesty proud but as things stand it’s not looking good. Things could be quite calm.’
And Police are worried they’ll be robbed of the chance to even the score after last year’s event turned into a one-sided victory for the thug community.
‘It’s disappointing. Everyone’s been looking forward to it, especially now we’re well tooled up with rubber bullets and shotgun tasers. The lads have had to suppress an awful lot of their racism all year and riot time’s the one occasion they can really let it all out.’
‘We weren’t really in it at all last year really. We got off to a very bad start and just couldn’t get back into the game. The hoodies took their opportunities and a fair few HD tellys and looted well together as a unit, while we were at sixes and sevens. Our defence was very leaky and we couldn’t get our attack going at all.’
Concerned chavs and gangsters also face a whole year wearing last year’s adidas trainers and face losing thousands of pounds in lost stolen goods revenue.
‘Bruv, bruv, bruv…..’ articulated one masked hoodie. ‘I is seething with rage about the fixing of the Libor rates and all that but this rain and shit is making me not give a shit no more. If I have to tell my two little boys the riot fairy won’t be coming this year they’ll be well gutted.’