Citizens of London can turn their tea-swilling eyes to the sky this summer, and behold the great and mighty, obnoxiously bright, the imaginatively named, the overtly pointless "Shard". Soaring at over 1000ft, this badboy is a testament to the fact that we in the US are not the only ones who know how to build things far, far too large.
Designed by architect Renzo Piano, this magnum opus now stands as the tallest building in Europe, greedily snatching the title from the "City of Capitals",in Moscow, Russia,which, in retrospect, probably wasn't good idea.
"It is rather extraordinary what we've done," Mr.Piano, obviously drunk, lamented in a press release this morning,"We've done everything exactly the same, and MADE IT BIGGER,"At this point, Renzo slammed his hand resoundingly on the wooden podium, and briefly loses his balance,"This masterpiece is like the iPad of buildings!" Mr.Piano then staggered off stage confidently, only to puke on a particularly misfortune ginger- haired reporter seconds later.
However, not everyone is celebrating this testament to human over-compensation. The COLLL(IN)(Citizens of Low Lying London (In Negative) have been picketing the building even before it's completion, crying out racial slurs and sexual taunts at the building's foundations.
"It's just a monstrosity," Rita Southworth, spokesperson for the COLL(IN) group, told me monday as a local coffee shop, just adjacent to the new tower. " WE had this nice city, with all the nice towers, and it was quite, and just really, really nice...and then they go erect this NOT NICE building in my NICE town, with it's NICE towers," At this point, Rita begin to froth at the mouth,"This building stands against everything we at COLL(IN) stand for,"
When I asked her what that was, exactly, she dumped coffee on my face, and stormed off.
The PANOS(People's Engineers North of Switzerland) have, in retaliation, begin to contruct their own skyscraper in an undisclosed location(Frankfurt,Germany). Though they could not be reached for comment, It is clear that the height must exceed 2000m. Note: Though this is much higher than the Shard, the PANOS have quite the reputation for overdoing things(SEE:Saudi Arabia's First Bull Run).
The Shard may not hold this title for long, as another obnoxiously tall building is about to be erected in Moscow, proving once and for all, that if Russia's going to the tallest country in the world, economy be damned.