Ed Balls has announced his candidacy for leader of the Labour party with the assertion that his mildly-amusing surname is a benefit, not a hindrance.
“Politicians in this country have become rather dull,” the former Secretary for Schools and Children said, “and I’m sure the general public would welcome a bit of a laugh to liven politics up. Just imagine the fun the headline writers could have – ‘What A Balls Up’, ‘Balls To The Wall’, that kind of thing.”
As part of his leadership bid, Balls outlined a new policy whereby he would only appoint people with funny surnames to senior positions. “I want my shadow cabinet to tickle the nation’s funny bone,” Balls explained, “and also be easier to remember.” Balls listed a number of high-profile appointments, including Stephen Pound as shadow Chancellor, Anne Begg in Work and Pensions, and Andy Slaughter as shadow Defence Secretary. “Frank Field would be an outstanding man for the Environment and Rural Affairs post,” Balls concluded, “and it goes without saying that my deputy would be John Woodcock.”
Balls’ wife, Ophelia, offered her full support.