Chris Grayling clarified his new role in Government.
"For far too long the British Bed & Breakfast industry has been the laughing stock of Europe. I've been appointed at the cost of £137,961 p.a. to bring some much-needed rigour into standards."
He admitted that he had thought long and hard before accepting this difficult position. "I have slept in my fair share of strange beds over the years," he said, "and there have been a number of times when I've been roughly woken in the night by a sudden protuberance."
Any B&B reaching chartermark status (The Golden Banger) will be inspected on a number of levels: mattress quality, quilted toilet tissue, potpourri and provision of candlewick bedspreads.
Mr Grayling continued: "In some establishments, they're clearly playing hide the sausage. One flabby egg, some greasy fried bread and the chipolata's nowhere to be seen. Following the example of my great leader and his close friend, I will be engaging in a series of intimate inspections to ensure that B&Bs across Britain can raise their flagpoles with pride!"