The official news agency of Iran confirmed yesterday that the nation’s powerful Revolutionary Guards had conducted their first successful test of a giant, inter-continental tickling stick. The surface-to-surface weapon has a range of up to 1,200 miles and has caused panic among Israeli and American diplomats who fear that it could be used to cause outbreaks of squirming and hilarity in the already troubled region.
‘I can report that yesterday in the Lut desert our highly-trained scientists successfully completed a series of sophisticated, long-range tickling manoeuvres,’ said General Amir Ali Hajizadeh, who heads the Guards' secretive Merriment Division. ‘The instrument proved able to accurately target tummies, soles of feet and waists across considerable distances, delivering a devastating payload of mirth to all in its path. The comedy capability of the Islamic Republic will no longer be a source of amusement to our enemies.’
The UN Security Council has expressed concern that the tickling stick, believed to be covered in feathers and special man-made fibres containing high levels of jollity, could further destabilize the traditionally straight-faced Middle East region. UN underarms inspectors were immediately dispatched to the military’s Laughter Facility in Tehran, but were denied entry when they proved unable to compose themselves after an introductory briefing from President Ahmadinejad’s right-hand man, Comedy Ali.
However, Iran insists the tickling stick has been developed for peaceful purposes. ‘We have built this device to generate static electricity, and of course support our medical research. Laughter is the best medicine, isn’t that right?’ continued the General, tears streaming down his cheeks, before adding ‘Sorry – just give me a minute will you,’ and breaking off in uncontrollable fits of giggles.
The UK government has promised a robust response to the threat posed by Iran. ‘We are committed to winning the War on Humour, and this is definitive proof that Iran has developed weapons of mass cacchination. According to our dossier, if President Ahmadinejad gave the order, we could see attacks of smirking, chuckling and full-blown guffawing within 45 minutes. As this no laughing matter, we will immediately be deploying Ken Dodd to Tehran.'