Priests from the temple of the Aztec night god Tezcatlipoca at Tenochtitlan in Mexico have been gloating at the discomfiture of the British public as the Wimbledon championships are being held up by persistent rain. They now feel their view that at least 2,000 human sacrifices are needed every day to make the sun rise is now proven.
‘Life is because of the gods. With their sacrifice they gave us life. Everything in the universe – sun, moon, stars, Adele, tinned ravioli – comes from that sacrifice,’ said the discarnate soul of Ixaccihuatl, fornmer chief priest at Tenochtitlan, speaking via Derek Acorah on Loose Women. ‘We told the Spanish conquistadors as much in 1519, they didn't listen either and now their banks are screwed. Serves you all right.’
Under the Aztec Empire, constant wars were fought against neigbouring tribes to provide sacrifices to Tezcatlipoca and the sun god Huitzilopochtl, thus ensuring that the sun continued to circle the Earth. Londoners concerned about the prospect of a damp Olympics are being urged to capture and sacrifice the requisite number from East Anglia every day, as it is unlikely anyone would notice.
‘When we sacrificed to Huitzilopochtli, the victim would be placed on a sacrificial stone, then the priest would cut through the abdomen with an obsidian blade. The heart would be torn out still beating and held towards the sky and the body would be given to the warrior responsible for the capture of the victim, who would either send the parts to other important men as an offering or eat them,’ explained Ixaccihuatl. ‘A bit like every night in Newcastle, then.’
Without a constant supply of victims, the Aztecs believed, the 52-year cycle of life on Earth could come to an end. Some fear that this could happen this very year, which comes exactly 52 years after the Lady Chatterley trial and the last time Wolves won the FA Cup. The Daily Express is believed to be planning a three-page feature article on the subject next week, unless Kate Middleton puts on a new dress in the interim.