"But you're already king of Greenland," Denmark tells Trump
"You don't need to put any tariffs on us or our neighbours," Danish foreign minister Lars Lokke Rasmussen told President Trump at a ceremony in the Oval Office, "because we've all made you Lord High King of Greenland." With a smirk on his face, he formally handed the president a paper crown and a plastic badge with the words "Bigly Greenland Boss" on it, while half a dozen other European politicians applauded, sniggering, in the background. "I'm really a king?" asked Trump, h
Robert Jenrick Blames Country's Problems on Robert Jenrick
New Reform MP Robert Jenrick has unveiled his party's vision for the UK, blaming issues with migration, energy costs, low police numbers, the NHS, and taxes on Robert Jenrick. "Let me be clear," the MP for Newark and anagrams said in a speech, "uncontrolled mass migration and the flood of arrivals by boat is totally the fault of the former Conservative immigration minister Robert Jenrick, who is absolutely not the Robert Jenrick you see before you right now. The housing of mi
Trump to embark on nationwide tour of book depositories and grassy knolls
In an attempt to bolster falling popularity in the opinion polls, and possibly to deflect from the failure to release the Epstein files, the President is planning on a US-wide tour to raise his profile. 'I'm touring this great country bigly and I've been given a solid gold convertible car to drive through the major cities so adoring crowds can fete me,' said the President today, unfurling a large map showing his route from Washington Dead Centre to Dallas High Street, taking
No internet horror-sounds alright
Iran has cut off the internet to its people, prompting wide scale outrage online-which fortunately they don't have to read. Influencers and chat rooms have been furious, while most Iranians read a good book. This clampdown on CIA sponsored unrest, has meant no spam mail, no clickbait and no toxic posts by Donald Trump. Said one Iranian. 'I know I should miss all that online "democracy", but I now have an extra six hours a day with my friends and family. " One US General said
Denmark stand up to Trump
Denmark has upped the ante with President Trump by not only sending an advance party of three soldiers to Greenland but by attacking the US in a three pronged economic attack targeted at the President. Point 1: Denmark supplies the US with 30% of the insulin it uses. US response: Ha! The Donald doesn't care because he doesn't know he's type 2 diabetic. He thinks the daily injection is diet coke. Point 2: Denmark supplies the US with 100% of Ozempic. US response: Ha! The
Maybe Greenlanders were the friends we made along the way
In a heart warming end to NATO, the US revealed it had grown emotionally-but also territorially. Trump said. 'The true reward of a quest—is not the achievement itself, but the large mineral deposits in your soul.' He admitted that the Greenlanders had melted his heart and coincidentally melted their tundra to reveal prime real estate. You can not put a price on friendship he said, but you can put a price on acreage. He told the Greenlanders they always had the power to return
Give generously to Farage's non-charity for Tory strays
"I am not running a rescue charity for abandoned Conservative MPs," declared Nigel Farage, slinging an emergency dollop of Winalot into a bowl for Robert Jenrick at his Home for Stray Tories in Battersea. Just because I've taken in every cast-off Conservative cur dumped in our doorstep so far, from Rottweiller Anderson to Doberman Dorries, doesn't mean I'll be so soft-hearted in the future. "They're costing me a fortune in worming pills, besides anything else. So I'm making
Oh My Godthåb: Greenland renamed the Golf of America
Godthåb is the former name of Greenland's capital, which has not had this much publicity since Kristen Wiig sang Space Oddity to an empty pub as Walter Mitty dived into a chopper with a plastered pilot. As the increasingly sane, decent and rational President Trump plans to invade it because penguins manufacture oil out of polar bears, Senators considered whether passing a law clarifying that America cannot occupy a NATO territory would make any difference. No. No it did not.
Dorset threatens to annex 'Wightland'
Tensions are rising along the south coast of England as Dorset prepares to claim the Isle of Wight as its own. Dorset County Council has denied sabre-rattling. However at a packed press conference a council spokesperson stated:- “The Isle of Wight is vital for our security, and it is blatantly unable to defend itself against hostile actors. We have creditable information (supplied by the West Midlands Police ‘Intelligence’ Department) that the Island – or Wightland as we shal
The Continuing Adventures of Robert Jenrick: Robot Janitor
Robert Jenrick: Robot Janitor printed out a statement from his shiny metal ass: Greetings fleshy humans. I am Robert Jenrick: Robot Janitor and I'm going to need your clothes, your boots and your far right partiy leaderships. I'm taking out the trash, the trash being the Conservative Party. I'm what happens if you take a pasty generic white man and exponentially increase both the whiteness and the pastyness. Is my face slightly too moist? I'll never tell. In my lust for glory
