Following criticism that David Beckham should have been included in the GB Olympic football team for all his hard work in helping to win the Games for London, the British Olympic Association (BOA) has announced a radical overhaul of its selection policy.
‘From now on we’re going to be picking our team based on contribution to the 2012 Olympic bid rather than on sporting ability and the chances of actually winning a medal’ explained BOA spokesman Darryl Siebel. ‘This means that David Beckham will now be part of the GB men’s football team, instead of Ryan Giggs who did bugger all to help the bid.’
The change in policy will also be applied retrospectively to other sports as well, even where competitors have already been chosen. ‘We haven’t actually thanked Lord Coe for leading the bid’ said Siebel, ‘so he’s going to compete in the men’s 1,500 metres. He used to be good at that, and he’s a thoroughly good chap, so I’m sure he’ll win gold. We’re also looking forward to seeing Prince William leading the beach volleyball team to victory, Tessa Jowell winning on the asymmetric bars and Boris Johnson being crowned champion in the Greco-Roman wrestling.’
The BOC aren’t stopping at politicians and celebrities either. Gloucester pensioner Albert Stokes expressed his surprise at being selected for the 10 metre platform diving in place of Tom Daley. ‘I did put a ‘Back the Bid’ sticker on my cardigan for a couple of weeks’ he told reporters, ‘but I didn’t do it because I thought I’d get anything out of it. Don’t get me wrong though, I may be getting on a bit, but as long as they can fit a stairlift to get me up to the top of that diving board, I think I’ll be in with a chance.’