With the parliamentary summer break almost upon us, it is time for MPs to get their secretaries to book a holiday for their families (in order for it to be classed as a ‘business expense’).
The Tories have put a lot of effort into encouraging citizens to take their holidays in Britain, using Stephen Fry and Ronald Weasley in a glamorous advert promoting the cultural wealth of Bognor Regis and Blackpool. Of course, your average Conservative would never pass up an opportunity to spend some time on an old Eton pal’s yacht which is why they have second houses in Tuscany – hey, they’re still holidaying at home; just a different one!
If Tories do decide to stay in Britain for their break, they tend to avoid the more ‘touristy’ resorts, such as Margate, and head for cottages in the New Forest. The most popular cottages are those with a nice sun-house in the garden to store away secret lovers until they are needed. Good quality internet connections are required by politicians in order to regularly move money round their accounts and suck up to Murdoch, but getting out and about in wellies is just as important for a good photo opportunity.
Contrary to what the media tells us, Tories do in fact enjoy classic British foods such as pasties, provided they're handmade and delivered to them by at least three members of their catering team (which are taken on the trip in a horse box). Most Tories have visited every important heritage site in Britain at least once, and can provide photographs of their trip to prove it if you get in touch with their photoshop team.
Days out are enjoyed by all MPs, especially visits to the zoo where they get to pick which conservation project animal they'll have for dinner that night. Tories tend to stay away from funfairs, as they're the only places in Britain where the Conservative-Conman ratio is evenly matched and they don't want to get diddled in public.
It’s very important for PR purposes for Tories to take their kids on holiday with them, but always make sure that they have a nanny with them to blame in case they leave them in a pub.