Most NHS Trusts in England and Wales have confirmed today they will not be providing free medical treatment for conditions caused by rogue crystal healers.
Pixie Moonbeam, from Nottinghamshire, is one of many who claims to have been affected by the use of industrial-grade stones by unregistered shamans. She started having mild emotional problems after visiting a mobile crystal healer working out of a van in a Worksop car park. "I was a bit suspicious that the stone he was using looked just like those piled up nearby where they were repairing a water main, but he assured me he was a professional and requested I wear a hard hat throughout the procedure, so I carried on. But ever since then, I had a vague feeling that something isn't right. That's when I went to my GP, who said my chakra might have been damaged."
The NHS spends hundreds of thousands of pounds every year on tests relating to these problems. The most powerful test is the Chakra Scan - a complicated procedure where the patient undergoes an MRI scan while listening to whale songs, and GP referrals for this particular procedure have tripled in the last 18 months.
Sadly Pixie's story is not unique. In recent months reports have come in of crystal practitioners using roofing slate, shards from a broken granite gravestone and in one case a breeze block for their treatments. Holistic experts have confirmed that these materials could seriously abrade the patient's aura and in extreme cases lead to necrosis of the chi, yet NHS Trust managers claim there simply are not enough funds available to deal with the problems.
Pixie herself now has the agony of waiting to find out whether her perforated chakra can be repaired or not. She is currently using a special headband fitted with elestial tibettan quartz crystals which must be worn 24 hours a day, but physicians fear even this may not be enough, and an expensive full chakra transplant might become necessary.
"I just want to warn people about this scam", Pixie sobs, " if the crystals aren't shiny, pointy and really really sparkly, then there's a very good chance they have absolutely no medical benefit at all."