With our lab-created, self-aware Olympic mascots now hatching from our breeder tank in Chelsea, this Q&A will help you get the most from Britain’s newest and most nationalistic of all the pseudo-mammals!
Jesus, what have you done?
I’m glad you asked! Using the latest developments in genetic engineering, we’ve given the gift of life to two characters that were drawn by a short-sighted child. Hemlock and Mandible will bring joy to any loyal, Olympic home, particularly if you can ignore it when they writhe in agony, or beg you for a swift end.
Tattooed at birth in red, white and blue and hermetically sealed, so they don’t soil your carpets, these lovable bundles of gene-splicing fun should give your family a Summer to remember!
Do I need a licence to own one?
In order to comply with our Olympic Spirit legislation, it’s compulsory for every home to own a minimum of two. But if you suffer from allergies or are repulsed by the thought of owning a hideously mutated crime against God, you can apply to opt out, with a licence from the Post Office. But we don’t think there’s many of you that will resist the charms of our dumpy, one-eyed freaks!
What should I feed my mascots?
That’s a question we get asked a lot! Without mouths, the hope is that the mascots will quietly die out by the end of August, but if yours is flagging, try some nutritious LOCOG eye drops. Rich in nutrients, patriotic and hued a delicate shade of rose, your mascot will literally claw at you, until you give them a squirt! Although that might be because we forgot to design in any eyelids.
Can I breed them?
Hey, they’re your mascots, do what you like with them! Once your cheque has cleared, you’re welcome to draw on some genitals and give it a go. But it’s worth pointing out that the duo find each other physically repulsive, and their concave skulls cause them near-permanent headaches. And the occasional eye-bleed, and bouts of suicidal despair.
How do I dispose of them, once they’re finished?
It’s unlikely that mascot meat will do you any harm; it’s already a delicacy, in some parts of Birmingham. But if you’re not sure, our sponsors McDonald’s have volunteered to mince up any spare ones, making this the most sustainable Olympics of the last five years.
But let’s not think that far ahead, you’ve got a near-certain fortnight of Olympic joy with the little chaps! Just as long as you hide your scissors, and stop them drowning themselves in the toilet.