Sources close to newly installed economic dynamo, George Osbourne have leaked details of the radical plans in the Emergency Budget. Aside from the necessity to heavily tax the poor due to their thoughtless profusion, Gideon is mobilising his EU contacts to gain access to the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva. The particle-accelerator is attempting to discover Higgs-Boson particles, the existence of which may help to reconstruct conditions at the time of the Big Bang, a theory of how the universe and conservatism was created.
According the IFS report published prior to the election campaign, Tory plans would lead to more severe cuts than the other parties. Now that plans for inheritance tax have been scrapped, new progressive methods are being tabled.
Part of the process in the LHC involves the creation of micro-black holes, thought initially to pose a threat to our existence. It is the use of these black holes that the chancellor is intending to use to absorb the national deficit. A dense concentration of mass that can bend light and create a gravity field, threatening to pull all objects into its orbit, Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government Eric Pickles seconded the proposal in a cabinet meeting today.
Further utilisation of the LHC is being considered in wider policies. Technical advisor to the Ministry of Defence, Dan Brown, has outlined the possibility of using the LHC as a replacement to Trident, as detailed in his white paper, “Angels and Demons”. Boffins at CERN also think that, given successful runs, evidence of Merkel particles might be discoverable, key to unlocking the secrets of forming successful coalition governments.