Louis XIV of France has criticised the new single by prog-pop group Muse, calling the track “a bit over the top for my tastes”. Wearing a bejewelled crown, a bejewelled necklace, and brandishing a sceptre covered in jewels, ‘Le Roi Soleil’ complained that Muse’s mixture of operatic vocals, symphonic strings, big derivative guitar riffs, and meaninglessly sloganeering lyrics was “like being bludgeoned by bombastic obviousness” while holding court at his palace in Versailles beside a portrait of himself riding a horse, surrounded by angels.
An avid connoisseur of high art and music, The Sun King added that singer Matt Bellamy was “like Freddie Mercury without the subtlety”. When pressed further on the issue of Queen, Louis got a little confused and began singing the praises of Maria Theresa of Spain - but then he is 373 years old, bless him.
The single ‘Survival’ has been selected as the Official Anthem of the London 2012 Olympics by the artistic director of the Games, Danny Boyle. Louis XIV confirmed he still owns a VHS copy of the film Trainspotting, but confessed that he hadn’t really followed Boyle’s later work. He also expressed concern that while the ostentatious ceremony and patriotic pomp of events like the Olympics and the Jubilee might be employed as a useful short-term propagandist distraction from Britain’s social and economic difficulties, such shallow and opportunistic political ploys may lead to greater problems further down the line.