While aunts and other female family friends concluded that married 33-year-old Jane Hughes surprising decision to toast her parents’ 40th wedding anniversary with sparkling water rather than champagne was due to a long-awaited pregnancy, it was later revealed she had actually just returned from a 2 week stint in rehab.
“I’d never known Jane not to have a glass in her hand, and putting that together with the fact she’d been married for a few years, certainly isn’t getting any younger and always moans about her career, it seems a dead cert she's up the duff.” said auntie Betty, who had already noted that Hughes was clearly beginning to show.
As the evening went on however, the constant raised eyebrows at the family dipsomaniac’s requests for orange juice, and friendly encouragement that just a sip of bubbly wouldn’t do any harm when celebrating such a big occasion prompted the recovering boozehound to fall dramatically off the wagon. One sip soon became three bottles of sherry, and Hughes made an emotional speech congratulating her parents on making their marriage last, despite the constant home atmosphere of bitterness and despair, and the fact that pair of them had shagged virtually every noon-blood relative at the party. She then berated assembled guests for insensitively spreading pregnancy rumours when her dear poor husband was obviously a jaffa, and was finally escorted from the premises after collapsing midway through giving the vicar a non-consensual lap dance.
"Shocking behaviour for a woman in her condition" commented auntie Betty.