Punitive taxes on female depilatory products, an optional return to driving on the right for those who prefer it and a ban on the word "jersey" to mean pullover. These are just some of the measures the Channel Island of Jersey is threatening if its traditional status of offshore tax haven is removed by the British government. Other measures include a cap on exports of Jersey milk, widely interpreted as a direct threat to the UK custard industry; a more relaxed attitude to public urination and ultra cheap locations for an updated version of Maigret, starring the late Johnnie Halliday.
"For years we 'ave run ze island as a 'aven for offshore anti-French prejudice," explained First Minister Henri Chapeau-Melon. "Zis was ze place where Daily Mail readeurs came when zey we feeling a bit naughty. Zey could ask for French mustard wiz out shame. And zey could enjoy visiting ze landmarks associated wiz ze Nazi occupation, and celebrate what might 'ave been, as well as enjoying tax immunities enormes. Zey are less likely to do zis if ze island smells of garlic and Gaulois, and women expect oral sex.. So, if Jimmy Carr doesn't bring back his fric, ze geese get force fed again!"