Staff at the Galapagos national park have been astounded by the overnight appearance of over 300 female Pinta giant tortoises, many of which were assumed to be rocks.
Scientists believed that the Pinta tortoise was extinct, with the last-known specimen, ‘Irksome George’, dying earlier this week. But experts now think that the rest of his species had just been avoiding him, and his boring stories about how he’d been repeatedly weighed, polished up and then photographed.
“George was a proper pain in the arse”, explained ‘Winsome Lisa’, who has been pretending to be an outcrop for the last four and half decades. “He was always slagging off turtles, and his stories went on for months. Once he got going, it was very hard not to slip into a hibernation.”
George was considered a nuisance by many females on the island, repulsed at the thought of waking to find his head wedged up a leg hole. “He (George) wasn’t right”, claimed ‘Buxom Michelle’, a sprightly 120 year-old bomb-shell. You dropped your guard for so much as a fortnight, and he'd be all over you like lichen."
“He was always going on about how horny he was, and how he wanted to ‘roll me’, but that’s not an attractive prospect to a 500-lb tortoise without access to specialist lifting gear”, complained Michelle. “He used to take girls out for lunch, walk up to them backwards and then pretend to eat a lettuce with his leathery old penis. I wasn’t falling for that, do I look like I was born last century?”
With much attention being paid to George by naturalists and the world media, he became so overbearing, many of his kind pretended to have been eaten by Spanish sailors. “It got to the point where he was insisting on having a star above his head-hole”, claims Michelle. “They were even shipping girls over for him, from the nearby island of Santiago.”
Now that George is dead, life has returned to normal for the tortoises of Pinta, although many are looking forward to relationships with males from elsewhere in the archipelago. “Oh sure, George had an eye for the exotic overseas lady tortoises”, claimed Michelle, “but he was careful not to father any children outside of his subspecies. Not only was he a pervert, but also a terrible racist; I'd like to think we can finally evolve and move on.”