[b]Blue Joe to follow Buffon’s Porn Regime
Following Sunday’s inevitable penalty shoot out loss to the Azzurri, England’s ‘non-stopper’, Joe Hart, has decided to ditch the high tech approach to identifying where opponents are likely to stick their penalties and take a leaf out of Italian legend, Gianluigi Buffon’s ‘well soiled’ book.
Having confessed to spending endless nights researching each Italian player’s penalty techniques, this ended up being about as beneficial to the cause as John Terry’s late application to join the Friends of Cobham Afro Caribbean Club.
Whilst Hart and his England suitors were locked away in their bedrooms frantically banging away on their search engines looking for evidence of Italian penalties, the old maestro, Buffon, was locked in his own bedroom simply ‘banging away’.
Buffon’s own - non repentant - admission that he had been spending his free time watching ‘naughty’ movies and the general acceptance that he had been indulging in the act of mild self harming to his unelected member, has left Hart questioning his tactics.
Whilst Buffon saved one of the spot kicks, Ashley Cole’s inopportune attempt to score with quite possibly the softest shot in soccer, Hart – with his newly found intelligence – failed to even get a hand to, let alone save, any of the Italian artillery.
Speaking after the game Hart said; ‘I am absolutely gutted. There is some top quality, unsolicited porn, on Polish telly and I have missed a golden opportunity to rinse the boy dry in the three weeks that I have been here. Granted I have knocked a sly one out over Pirlo but I feel as though I have been cheated. Going out there onto the pitch for a Euro Quarter Final laden with full sacks was a bad idea and I will remember this for the future. All I can do is learn from this and I intend to go home now and practise non stop to make sure I am ready for the next penalty I have to face.’
For his part, Italian stallion Buffon said; ‘It all comes with experience. Granted the chambermaid has been working overtime peeling off my sheets every morning but it was worth it. One of my tricks is to keep my gloves on when I throttle the bambino’s arm in order that I can capture the fresh ectoplasm which subsequently increases the adhesiveness achieved. However perhaps the biggest benefit of watching wall to wall Polska Grot was that when Ashley Young stepped forward I was so used to seeing a c*nt coming towards me that I was completely unperturbed and I believe that this, conversely, messed with Young’s mind’.
So with the 3 Lions departing Poland untriumphant and returning to the green, green grass of home, Hart is adamant that this is the last time in a long time that the phrase ‘returned empty handed’ can be used against the keeper.