At last England can blow its trumpet about a football championship. The European Blow Football Championship which shadows the bigger soccer tournament was overlooked by the media until England went out of the big competition to Italy in the quarter finals. However now that the English Blow Footie squad have landed the EuroBlowFootie 2012 championship trophy attention has turned to them.
The England squad was largely drawn from the Premier League winning team from Newcastle, Halitosis United, whose success is based on dedicated dental neglect and a 'curry washed down with brown ale' eating and drinking plan.
After cruising through their qualifying group, England faced the garlic chewing, Pernod drinking might of France in the quarter final. The English squad had been fully prepared for this having trained in French Bistros in the UK for weeks before the tournament. Immune to the odours of garlic and aniseed, England were helped to victory when one of the French team was red carded for deliberate nose holding in the penalty area. The resulting penalty was surprisingly blasted home at the third attempt and was enough to take England through.
In the semi final England took on Germany who had strolled through to the semi finals, blowing all opposition aside with their direct, strong sauerkraut based attacking style. The Germans right from the start could not cope with the eye-watering English bad breath whereas the English boys seemed immune to sauerkraut. The pundits described the match as a disappointing one-sided affair as England blew the Germans away with a 5 – 1 victory. The Germans admitted that they could not cope with what they called the Mund Furz (mouth farts) of the English team.
In post match interviews it emerged that in addition to the bistro training England had played some behind closed doors friendlies with the Scottish champions, the Arbroath Smokies. The Scottish boys who eat almost nothing but pungent smoked haddock all year round provided a stern test and a chance to perfect the no breathing defence that proved to be the key to overcoming the sauerkraut.
The opponents in the final were Sweden managed by the shrewd veteran of many Euro Blow Football campaigns Phlegming Tonsil. England believed that the friendlies against the fish eating Scots was ideal preparation for playing the Swedes whose strategy is normally fish based with a bias towards raw or salted. On the eve of the final the wily Tonsil switched his team to a partially thawed Tex Mex chilli dinner bought from a local supermarket. This produced the effect Phlegming was looking for, upset stomachs and in many cases the runs.
The first three quarters of the match was all Sweden with England almost unable to cope with the Swedish gastric attack. Somehow the England goal remained intact and slowly the Swedes began to run out of bad breath. England sensed the Swedish problems and sent on an unfresh pairs of lungs in the shape of veteran midfielder Peter (Burpy) Beardsley. The little mid duodenum general directed the match with a variety of plays – gentle burps, long belches into the corner and a series of goalmouth retches. The result a 2 – 0 victory for England and the words of the TV commentator still ringing in our ears ….
“They think its all odour, well it is now!”