As the inquest into England’s European Championship exit continues, manager Roy Hodgson has identified the squad’s general lack of tattoos and stupid hairstyles as one of the key factors behind the team’s defeat on Sunday.
“It’s clear that this is an area where we are lagging behind the top sides in Europe”, he explained, “OK, Glenn Johnson has a few tattoos, as does Jolean Lescott. And I was very pleased to see Ashley Cole turn up for training with a haircut that looks like a giant slug slowly meandering towards his forehead. But in terms of the rest of the squad, we are a long way behind other teams. Scott Parker even has a side parting for goodness sake.”
Hodgson was keen his side should look to players from other nations for inspiration. “You look at someone like Raul Meireles of Portugal and he’s just incredible. He has loads of truly dreadful tattoos. He’s grown a Mohawk in a vain attempt to disguise his increasingly receding hairline and he even has the makings of a ginger beard. The guy’s a complete package.”
Sir Trevor Brooking, the FA’s Director of Development confirmed he was looking at the issue at as part of his efforts to overhaul youth development in English football.
“We’ve got to get kids thinking more like footballers from a much younger age. At 9 or 10 there is simply no long term benefit in just playing match after match. We need to encourage other skills like vulgarity, cultural blindness and a misplaced sense that just because you have a pagan symbol etched across your back, you are somehow a much less shallow person that you actually are. Give me a child at 8 and in ten years time he should have a haircut that would make Limahl retch with embarrassment and a loved ones name misspelt in Sanscrit down his forearm."
FA Chairman David Bernstein was also in agreement, “Just as we gave the world football, with David Beckham we also gave them bad tattoos and crap hairstyles. But things have moved on and we are in danger of getting left behind. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to get a picture Mohammed Ali riding a Pegasus tattooed on my left shoulder.”