A spokesman for the Troll community today called on the government to improve network connectivity in their natural habitat, claiming data transfer speeds achievable beneath bridges often fall considerably short of those advertised by Internet Service Providers.
Speaking from the comments section of a BBC News article about ducks, a Troll by the name of ‘cxffs6_95’ said “The failure to provide reliable, high speed network capability in rural areas is creating a two-speed internet across the UK. Country dwellers are being left further behind city folk, who reap the benefits of institutional favouritism on a daily basis. I hope you get cancer”.
Trolls are renowned for leaving witty comments on internet articles, photos or postings which usually refer to complete strangers or celebrities. But despite their intensely sociable online nature, Trolls are very reclusive in the wild, making their homes below isolated wooden bridges which often still rely on a dial-up connection. This often leaves Trolls lagging embarrassingly behind, with their attempts at humour often seeming laughably outdated by the time they have been uploaded at a rate of 50kbit/s.
“I stumbled on a Twitter conversation about the black footballer Patrice Evra” said ‘zyngawff_80898’ who lives below a bridge on Dartmoor. “So naturally I posted a series of Oooh-Oooh-Oooh monkey noises and made a whimsical reference to slavery, only to find that by the time my Tweet had finally uploaded, that was ‘no longer the done thing’ and apparently I am now some kind of ‘racist’. It’s ridiculous”.
Prime Minister David Cameron has been dragged into the debate, and has promised to push through a multi-million pound plan to roll out high speed broadband to some of the UK’s most remote areas. The news was greeted with a mixed reaction, with most people agreeing that was exactly what was needed, whilst cxffs6_95 suggested that Cameron should “Stick to blowing millionaires, you shiny-faced Posh Boy."