Our Afterlife correspondent reports: In a dramatic turn of events, just hours after news broke of 72 Richard Bransons greeting a suicide bomber in Paradise, a scheme has been uncovered involving the 'rebirthing' of late-model used Virgins. "This is deeply shocking," said one recent member of the Paradise Sky-high Club. "We dedicate ourselves selflessly to our work, only to find that we have been betrayed by these despicable infidels. I thought I had Gold Member status."
Just how widespread this deception is, is unknown at present. However, several other Club members admitted to having had nagging doubts prior to taking up their membership. "I mean, how many Virgins can there be?" said one perplexed member, who did not wish to be named, but who looked a lot like Ali G. "This brings shame on my father's house; he'll kill me!"
Initial investigations indicate that the scheme has been operating for some time, with many innocent people completely fooled. Although Mafia involvement is suspected, a shady character called Mr Finkelstein has been linked with the scheme. There may actually be more than one syndicate involved, as it seems that one recent shipment of used Virgins was destroyed en route to Paradise when an explosive device detonated as their truck was passing by. It was likely this very act, and the resulting acute shortage of cute Virgins, that led to a last-minute contingent of Bransons being brought into service. With the only alternative being to use older models with more miles on the clock, it was probably felt that the Bransons were the lesser evil, and that everyone would be dazzled by the smiles on their clocks. Whether more Bransons are waiting to enter circulation is not yet known, but a link with Virgin Galactic and a contract for ongoing supply cannot be ruled out.
As yet, no group has claimed responsibility.