Voters in England are urging politicians from all three major parties to just let Scotland vote for independence, and be done with it.
Terry Smith, a spokesman for the no-pressure group ‘Haven’t You Gone Yet?’, is sure Scotland will be better off, once it breaks the shackles that bind it to the cruel, largely Scottish, masters in the halls of Westminster. “I’m sure you’ll be fine”, Smith explained to an overtly ginger crowd. “With all that north sea oil, Scottish cuisine and famous ‘bonhomie’ to fall back on, how could you possibly fail to compete in a ruthless global market?”
Quoting from an economic report that had been written that evening by Alex Salmond, Smith confirmed that everyone in Swindon spent a fortune on Irn Bru and bagpipes. “The thought of having to pay a fair price for all these Scottish necessities is terrifying”, Smith claimed. “Why not teach us all a lesson, by buggering off?”
Smith courted controversy when he claimed that many English secretly didn’t care that much about tartan, and even hinted at a growing ambivalence to Andy Murray. “Yes, that’s right, that’s the sort of monsters we are down here”, he railed. “I don’t know how you can bare to share a flag with us, let alone an economy.”
“In many ways, our relationship with Scotland is like a drunk uncle that only turns up at Christmas”, explained Smith. “He drinks all your best whisky, brings nothing for the kids, and then complains about the quality of the dinner. That’s just the sort of criticism we need to keep us on our toes and stop us from becoming complacent, and happy.”
But Smith made it clear he isn’t advocating the eviction of close relatives, “It would be cruel to throw them out during such stormy times”, he acknowledged. “I’m just not sure we should call for help, if they choose to wander off into the night without their shoes on. Far better to phone a locksmith, in case they try and come back.”