Women users of Britain’s busy rail network have welcomed the introduction of Christian Grey-themed masturbation carriages. As sales of the seminal ‘mummy porn’ title soared past 15 million copies, many Kindle-clutching commuters are now incapable of standing steadily for any length of journey.
Virgin trains took the bold decision to submit to the needs of their charges, a move that was at first met by disappointment from passenger groups. “You might think there’s nothing wrong with women begging to be taken under this arrangement”, opined Julia Frisham, an expert in special coaching. “But I’d be the first to admit we’ve been a bit naughty, and we should be punished if we ask to come this way again.”
The new carriages are the first on the UK network to feature seatbelts, and the first in Europe to feature blindfolds, spreader bars, wooden paddles and wrist restraints. “Safety is paramount when you’re going on this sort of journey”, claimed Frisham. “The guards respond quickly in an emergency, especially if someone mentions the ‘safeword’.
The arrangement offers a welcome relief to women who don’t enjoy reading pornography before breakfast, but have felt pressured into doing so by the sheer success of the ‘fan fiction’ novels. “I used to feel dreadfully embarrassed reading a newspaper in front of so many red faces”, admitted Sheila Thompson, an economist from Northampton. “But with the e-reader edition, no-one knows I’m not reading filth as I kneel on all fours on my way into Euston.”
While a certain level of malleability is necessary when using any form of public transport, Virgin bosses have been surprised at just how popular the new ‘subway’ has become. And with tickets for the carriage costing an 85% premium, passengers are delighted to report that they feel as though they've been well and truly diddled. Boris Johnson hopes to take the idea further with a ruinously expensive Marquis de Sade-themed double decker, but Frisham remains to be convinced.
“Obviously, I’m in favour of every avenue being explored”, explained Frisham. “But travelling by bus? What do you think I am? Some kind of pervert?”