Dear Andy
With the annual Wimbledon hooha upon us again and your endearing personality once more filling our screens, it may be worth reflecting on the following:
- No one is in the slightest bit interested in your progess;
- Tennis is a tedious game that involves batting a ball over a net. Therefore, do not worry if another player can bat it better than you;
- A lot of people may appear excited when you are playing. Ignore them. They live sad lives imagining they can somehow spur you on simply by shouting or wearing T shirts with idiotic slogans;
- Beware of being the centre of popular opinion. After all, it wasn't so long ago we were all carried away by the macarena;
- Isn't it time you found something else to do? After all, tennis is a game some people play for fun, as a recreation not a job;
- Given your Scottish background it may be hard for you to stop whining, but it would be good if you tried to do so;
- Given your Scottish background, don't try to smile, it just confuses people. Just settle for looking nominally normal;
- Please try not to let your mum anywhere near a camera or microphone. We already know everything about her and all of it is dull; and
- Please try not to let your brother anywhere near a camera or microphone. We know less about him than you or your mum, but anything else is bound to be dull.