Coalition plans are well advanced, that if implemented, will trim excess layers of fat from UK businesses and will spell the end of Human Resources Departments everywhere.
A bill is to be rushed through parliament in the Autumn that will banish HR departments from factories and offices throughout the land, making them illegal to exist in any form whatsoever. Critics say however that if the bill does become law then responsibility will once more fall to an army of "Joans from Accounts" to assimilate all current HR functions into their credit control duties. They argue that the then inevitable reintroduction of the term "Personnel Officer" will be seen as an arcane throwback to the bad old days, and that British businesses without shiny and pointless HR departments will become the laughing stock of the global village.
Speaking off the record a senior government minister told Jeremy Paxman, "Let's face it. What exactly do these people bring to the business table? They make nothing, they perform no vital functions or provide any tangible benefits to organisations really. All they do is sit about inventing more and more spreadsheets and appraisal processes for hard-working, already under pressure productive employees to waste countless man-hours pointlessly filling them all in."
But Ms. Doris Peacock , General Secretary of the Confederation of Human Resources Professionals (COHRP) was quick to defend her members issuing the following statement in triplicate along with something called a 'defence of position satisfaction survey' attached.
"HR performs a vital role in every business and if, as a group of business professionals, our function is to become outlawed, then you can be sure that industry and commerce will grind to a halt. Abolitionists may wish to consider who will see to the fair inter-departmental distribution of tea coffee and biscuits to visitors for example. And what about disciplinary hearings? Who will sit there and take notes if my members are no longer employed? And then there is also the endless collating of ethnicity data to consider, not to mention senior executive car parking entitlements. A modern business needs my members."
The news has sparked a bitter war of words between two of the so-called Dragons from the popular BBC Dragons' Den programme. Speaking on the set of the show, pint-sized knicker magnate, Theo Paphitis, commented, "The HR department is vital to each and every one of my businesses. And believe me, I know what I'm talking about because I'm a rich and powerful businessman myself."
But fellow-dragon the belligerent fiery Scotsman, Duncan Bannatyne, wasn't about to take that lying down and countered, "Och my arse Theo! HR Departments are a load of auld shite, and quite honestly we'd all be better off if every last bloody one of them was consigned to the scrap-heap of history. And believe me, I know what I'm talking about as I'm a rich and powerful businessman too."